Anyone who beats me twice in a row at 8-ball can be ACL president for a day.

The use of either "discontiguous" or "discontinuous" shall be banned. I haven't decided which.

In order to improve reviewing quality and reduce aggregate workload, Fernando Pereira will single-handedly review all papers submitted to ACL conferences.

I plan to dissolve the Executive Committee and establish direct rule.

Anyone completing a research project is encouraged to write that shit up.

The Oregon tree farm currently supplying paper for the CL Journal shall be closed down and sold to a condo developer.

All future ACL conferences will be co-located with scary-monster conventions.

Discourse and dialogue will henceforth be separated.

Anyone who has already received a major academic or research award shall be eligible for more of the same.

No Cylon vice-presidents.

The ACL executive yacht, located in Marina del Rey, will be made available to all ACL members.

PhD students can expect to be working a lot harder under my presidency.

All postings on Hal Daume's blog will be subject to approval by the Executive Committee.

Authors who cannot obtain international travel visas will be spirited into ACL conferences via a network of secret tunnels.

ACL will organize tours of the Wall Street Journal offices, "to show how a parsing company makes money."

ACL will obtain corporate naming gifts for important theorems and algorithms.

Recognizing the traditional dominance of student-authored papers, ACL will initiate a Best Non-Student Paper award.

By 2040, the ACL conference proceedings shall be machine translated into 20 languages from the original Chinese.

ACL will return to its original 1962 name, the Association for Machine Translation and Computational Linguistics (AMTCL).

We must survive, and we will survive. And we will do so through the values that have made our Colonies great. Courage, truth, justice, liberty. With the firm and deep resolve to make tomorrow better. Not just for ourselves, but for our children.